Light at the End of the Tunnel!

October 24, 2008 by Clair Button.

Thank God the political season silliness is drawing to a close! After two years of nonsense, two weeks looks like the light at the end of the tunnel. I know, I know. It might be a train. Put that aside for now.

It looks to me as though we once again missed our chance to have real, honest to goodness, intelligent discussions on real issues. And once again, we pretty well dragged everybody through the pig pen with various forms of distorted propaganda, weird rumors, outright lies, and digging up stuff from the outhouse of past lives and relationships. The thing we all seem to have forgotten, is that once the election is over, we still have to figure out how to work together if we don’t want to have civil war.

You can’t tell me there aren’t going to be a lot of disappointed, bitter, angry people out there on one side or the other. For that matter, the winners might not feel too much like kissing and making up with the other one who said somebody’s grandmother was the illegitimate child of Adolf Hitler born to Joseph Stalin before he had a sex change operation.

So, I thought we might start the discussion now about how we are going to smooth over those ruffled feathers and hurt feelings. We need a little I’m OK, you’re OK session, sort of an old-fashioned love-in without the sex. Lord knows we don’t really want to get in bed with each other, but a little conciliatory expression might not hurt.

In that spirit, I offer the following suggestions to both sides:
Republicans, shake hands with the nearest Democrat and say, “Yeah, you are a human, even if you did vote for a socialist terrorist. I forgive you.” Next time, try it without muttering “You dirty so-and-so” afterwards;

Democrats, prove you are liberal and forgiving by pulling out your wallets and donating a dollar to Sarah Palin’s IRS defense fund (since the liberal media dug up her per-diem mini-scandal). Promise never again to say “They all ought to be in jail.”

I admit, it’s just a first step, but we have to begin somewhere. By the way, take me off your phone call list. I already voted.

Clair Button is the author of three mystery novels and also writes the odd bit of humor.

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Poem ~ Five Ways of Looking at Harvest

October 15, 2008 by Linda Bergeron.

Five ways of looking at…….Harvest

I.Stepping into the morning yard with hot mug,first outdoor breaths,I spot the fallen plumsnestled in the rascal grass.I stretch my shirt into an apronthat will hold each oneas I take them to the kitchen,close to my chest, full of aroma,little fleshy bounties at last, since the long ago days of spring.

II.When the heat and spirit-warmth of Sunchange how it arcs the day,and knowing that diminishing is the next journey-way,one hungers alreadythe absence that will comeand runs out of doorsto greet the more precious September sunin a desperation July did not know.

III.Last flower of its kind, from the bush that a moon ago was full-headwith blossoms.I pluck it with my nail, todaya valuable harvest of pink and yellowto set in a tiny vase - remembrance and presence in a single one.

IV.Tucking in the still-green tomatoes in the coming on of twilight,under a sheet, draping off the edges where the cold could come in;

covering the solitary late-flowering morning glory ~all grown up and ready to bloom, so late in August, then willing to adjust from the random weed-and-rock bed to a pot of soil I gave it, a sturdy rod to lean on.She adjusted and continued to present her daily purple show;and lastly, the petite pepper who tried so hard to bear some fruit, andcarries now ~ a large and a small ~ misshapen bells,glossy greens that hang awaiting weather’s final tale.Covered, tucked, little attentions ~surely a way to say a fortnightof evening goodbyes and I-love-you’s, to the season’s garden.

V.What abundance!the evening bird voice, no longer the cacophony of many in unison,but now a single abbreviation of one telling the listening a single secret;

the bowl of fruit and the ease with which my hand travels over thelushness to select and bite into, another

the dried slices, plump and plentifulin an aromatic cupboardawaiting the hunger that winter’s coldwill bring;

how like the other side of the fecundityof spring is this:richness, plenty, fruition,blossoms and bees and breezesthrough long hot days,evening stars, meteors,Pleiades sparkling in the nighttime black,and chilled rosy sunriseslaunching toward autumn.

Poetry by Linda Bergeron

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Poem ~ Filled with the Largeness

October 15, 2008 by Linda Bergeron.

Awake. Last night’s full moon

still present, in predawn’s dark.

Out I aim, to the balls of lit clouds

that fill the great sky above this valley town’s stillness,

single stars scattered in the sky beyond.

My feet bridge me to earth,

my torso pivots slow moves,

my face is given to seeing everything,

to surrender to the endless vault of it all ~

my aloneness finally altered and dissolved

by the saying-goodbye coyote clan yips,

as She, in her brilliance, descends beyond the shadowed west ridge.

The small house behind my footsteps is hardly there.

Poetry by Linda Bergeron

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Untitled Poem by Linda Bergeron

October 11, 2008 by Linda Bergeron.

Untitled Poem by Linda Bergeron

Bahama cruise:

no news,

sun, sea,

take-care-of-me,

horizon blue,

endless view,

cloud-watch sky,

unseen tide,

arising moon,

autumn soon,

present care,

home out there,

friend and kin,

without, within.

Return to shore?

Aground once more.

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Forming Questions and Answers

October 5, 2008 by Dave Rama.

There are so many questions in my mind about forms.  Who are the people who think up the questions on forms for businesses, schools, and the IRS?   Who decides what needs to be known?  The other side of this coin is to wonder who reads this information, and why do they want to know?  there is certain basic information that everybody has , like an address or phone number that I understand needs to be known, but there are an awful lot of unnecessary questions asked as well.

One of the organizations that does a lot of work with forms is the public school system.  (I can’t speak about private schools, but I rather suspect that is more a case of being able to lift the bag of money onto the headmaster’s desk.)  Every year the kids come home the first week of school with a pile of forms to fill out, and they can’t even read yet. After a few years, it became clear no one was reading this material, and we would fill out the same information again the next year for the same child, like this eight year old kid had maybe picked up a few credits at MIT over the summer.  How many languages does this child speak?  That question might make sense if you lived close to Canada where French is spoken a lot.  When these forms asked for parents’ occupations, we changed jobs each year.  Once, I put down that I was a steel-driving man, and my wife entered courtesan. (Robert Fulghum wrote that he always put down prince in the occupation blank.) Why does the school need to know the grandmother’s maiden name?  Would my child be held back a year if I lied about that?  It hasn’t happened yet.  (How many grandparents are named Attila, anyway?) In the blank for parents’ languages spoken at home, I usually entered Portuguese, Korean, and Hindi, but no English.  This avoided a lot of unnecessary parent-teacher conferences.  I also never knew why the school needed character references for parents.  The Public schools have to take kids even from Jack the Ripper, right?  Still, I filled in the blank.  I always listed my sainted Grandmother Rama, and if a second reference was needed, I put down Mother Teresa.  I didn’t think anyone was going to call Calcutta, and no one ever did.

Now, however, I find myself on the opposite side of the form.  I would like to sell my house.  The greedy have turned that into a fantasy for the moment, but it might happen at some later date.  At that point, I will have a form to give the lenders to fill out instead of the other way around.  The questions about character references will be long and very thoroughly checked.  Any lender with a history of bankers in the family will be rejected out of hand.  Anyone with connections to the Republicans will never get my business.  Anyone who lists character references that lack the combined positive qualities of St. Francis of Assisi, Abraham Lincoln, and Rose Kennedy will be swiftly assigned to the trash.          Dave Rama

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Greed and Corruption, Oh, Boy!

October 3, 2008 by Clair Button.

Well, shucks. Here we thought we could just turn our heads and trust all those geniuses on Wall Street to manage our money and all of a sudden we discover “GREED AND CORRUPTION ON WALL STREET!” I swear, we just woke up in a whole new world.

I couldn’t count all the times I heard that phrase on television last night. Only an imbecile could fail to recognize that those greedy bogey-men in three-piece suits are at fault for gambling away our hard-earned savings. It didn’t have anything to do with the fact that we naively believed we could trust those boogers to make us a pile of money if only we got rid of the rules and regulators that were “in the way” of our great, American entrepreneurial spirit.

Not that I was all that greedy, myself, mind you. I only wanted a little piece of the action. Hell, I knew those CEO’s were out to make a killing. That’s what the history of capitalism is all about. But greed and corruption? What were those guys thinking? Were they dumb enough to think they could get away with that? Oh, boy, we’ll fix them! We’ll cut the strings on their golden parachutes so they only get a few million more apiece.

There was a time when I thought I couldn’t afford to gamble on stocks. Still, I read the investment advice telling me I should invest any extra money in a stock account to make fifteen or twenty percent a year. It was my bad judgment to figure a schmoe like me couldn’t do much better at picking stocks than saving the six or seven percent by paying off my home loan. Hey, if I was smart as Warren Buffet, I’d own Tahiti by now. Nope. It ain’t gonna happen. On the other hand, the bank ain’t gonna get my house, either.

And though I don’t like the price of gas, we’ve found that by driving a 1991 Volvo (with duct tape to hold on the cracked turn signal) that gets 30 miles to the gallon and by staying close to home, we can still afford to drink premium beer. You just have to get your priorities straight.

Now, the whole world’s financial system is in a shambles, and since my life expectancy isn’t all that long, I figure someone else is going to be holding the bag when we finally figure out we can’t pay off those “toxic” debts, reset everybody’s mortgage, send all the kids to college, and wage several wars all at once.

They say those who don’t learn from history are doomed to repeat it. Well, a whole new world will start again next year. I figure this is a good time to invest some of my extra beer money in stocks. It should be safe now. Sarah Palin says she and that other reformer, John McCain, are going to “end greed and corruption on Wall Street!” Now, that’s one hell of a promise! I’m all for that. I’m just surprised that the Democrats didn’t think of that and jump on the bandwagon.

Clair Button is the author of three mystery novels and writes a little bit of humor from time to time.

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Redemption of a Grain of Salt

September 28, 2008 by Clair Button.

Poetry by Dennis Beam, of Richland, Oregon, in celebration of the 2008 Great Salt Lick Contest

Redemption of a Grain of Salt

Whoa! What happened? I guess I must have died!

Reincarnated as a grain of salt in this block of sodium chloride.

I’m stacked on the floor in this dingy room at the local Feed & Seed store

What a price to pay for all my misdeeds, I did my life before.

I was a fisherman ya see, and it wasn’t easy.  I chewed and cussed and smoked.

I told a lot of lies and drank a lot and then one day I croaked.

But all and all I was pretty good, and I thought I lived a pretty clean life.

Why, it was even rumored that I once was even nice to my wife.

I always figured just a rumor of such a thing, would surely get me a free pass.

But when I made up to the pearly gate, God shut and locked it fast.

“I’ve been watching you and your sinful past, and I’m afraid on my list you are last.

In fact,” he said, as he gave me the boot, “you were a real ass.”

Well, I guess I’m proof that all God’s laws are really pretty strict.

And that’s why I’m stuck inside this solid saline brick.

It’s lookin’ like my number’s up and my luck is about to change,

I’m getting loaded in a pick-up truck and headin’ for the range.

Now I’m being heaved aboard a horse and put into a saddle bag.

We’re climbing high above the Snake River, ten miles southwest of the sag.

I can’t believe this. I know this guy. Look at that big smile on his face.

Then he reached into the bag and dumped me in my place.

I watched him as he rode away, that big ole smiling galoot.

If only I had my fingers about me, I’d be flippin’ him the salute.

And now I can only await my fate, a solo block of salt

And, to think I did boy scouts with that guy. Thanks a lot there, Walt.

Ya know I’ve been here before. I hunted chukars here, high above the valley floor.

There’s horses that live year round and cows and deer galore.

It’s lookin’ grim and it won’t be long ’til I’m attached to some animal’s tongue,

And rifled through its digestive system, and fired out the bung.

If only I could move, I might have a chance, to stay away from a lick

and avoid being reincarnated again, as a dried up pile of shit.

But alas, a miracle has occurred. Redemption has come and I might make it yet.

Someone’s brought me here to Baker City, thanks to a guy named Whit.

Find more about the annual Great Salt Lick contest at www.saltlickcity.com, Whit Deschner’s home page.

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Ethics

August 25, 2008 by Clair Button.

The concept of ethics is a wonderful thing. Most of us, myself included, assume that we have a reasonable supply of good ethical standards, while the other guy could probably stand to upgrade his own. It almost goes without saying that very few attorneys or politicians are given credit for having any at all.

Ethics are sort of the modern day equivalent of moral values as they apply to law, government, business, and professions. Given the first three applications, it is little wonder that few people put much faith in ethics, and that is likely the reason why ethics have been held apart from morals based on religion, at least as long as I have been aware that either existed.

The wonderful thing about ethics is that if you have some, you can feel good about yourself and look down upon the guy who doesn’t, even if you don’t already subscribe to some sort of religion that conveys an absolute certainty of moral superiority. Also, if you don’t have particularly high ethical standards, you can always point to some other guy who screwed up and got caught before you did, or somebody who should have been caught but wasn’t, or somebody who is going to get caught in the future.

In those four fields of endeavor I mentioned above, it is relatively easy to identify the folks who don’t have sufficient moral character.  They are the ones who literally get caught with their pants down. That is not a sexist comment, since it has been shown to apply equally to some female “Congressmen”.

Unfortunately, ethics is a squishier concept than morality, although there is quite enough contrariety in defining either idea. It is much more difficult to pin down which lawyer, politician, or business person has better ethical standards than another. I have not looked into the origins of ethics much, except that I learned in grade school that a Greek doctor named Hippocrates may have been the first to develop a professional ethical standard. The trades which eventually came to be recognized as “professions” have generally led the way in developing some sort of written ethical standards and mechanisms of enforcing those on the professionals.

The other three trades have mostly been dragged kicking and screaming into the modern age of accountability, but they just haven’t been dragged far enough. The problem is that any proposal to develop enforceable ethical standards constantly runs into a wall built of money, self-interest, and gargantuan egos. Rather than being like the medical profession which is concerned with tight enforcement to keep the number of doctors low (and therefore keep salaries high to benefit all doctors), lawyers, politicians, and businessmen seem to be more concerned with preventing rules that might keep the boldest among them from acquiring the greatest reward at the moment for themselves. While doctors seem to think they should police their ranks to prevent the profession from being disgraced, the other three trades seem to spend a lot of money and effort covering each other from the would be regulators. Politicians do, of course, make exceptions for the guy on the other side of the aisle.

An unethical business person is more likely to get caught being unethical than either a politician or a lawyer. In business, you can write off a lack of ethical treatment of your customer to “customary and reasonable” practices, which is an evolving science of excusing poor workmanship. For example, a contractor can tell you it is customary business practice to leave your new house with uneven floors, shingles that blow off because they have only two nails installed in the wrong locations, or a bathtub that won’t drain completely. As a consequence, though, the business person tends to lose business and soon finds it necessary to go into real estate sales.

Lawyers and politicians are less likely to be embarrassed by poor ethics partly because of those gargantuan egos and partly because those who are truly skilled in the art of dialectics can create enough verbal confusion and distraction to make you forget they don’t have any ethics. They are also better than most of us at pointing out the faults of others. Because of those bold egos, they will gleefully try make you believe that riding a bicycle onto the sidewalk is the ethical equivalent of beating your grandmother or child abuse.  If you spend enough time trying to discredit that stupid idea, you might even forget the lawyer just picked your pocket or the politician just squandered a whole lot of your tax money.

Law and politics also have their own version of “customary and reasonable” exculpatory science working for them. How many times have you heard somebody say, “Well, what do you expect, he’s a __, isn’t he?”

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HEROES

August 9, 2008 by Dave Rama.

We need more heroes. Heroes have character. They have passion and principle. I’ve always had heroes. They range from Chip Hilton to Dirty Harry, to the 1980 Olympic hockey team, to the crew of the Challenger, to Martin Luther King, Jr., to Hank Aaron, to Sister Teresa to Pat Tillman to Jessica Ellis. In my view, there is no one more heroic than Jackie Robinson, with the possible exceptions of Mr. Truman and Mr. Lincoln. They are all folks who were willing to take a stand on issues of importance. If you read
“THE CHARGE OF THE LIGHT BRIGADE”, you will get the ideal of heroism. Heroism is the act of putting principle or the welfare of others above your own well-being.

There are anthems for heroes. My personal favorite is “the Impossible Dream” from Man of La Mancha. The martial music and stirring lyrics like “to fight the unbeatable foe”, or, “to be willing to march into Hell for a Heavenly cause”, combine to give us a picture of a heroic character.

In the sometimes-friendly confines of Baker City, there resides a somewhat Quixotic fellow. I am not aware of him tilting at windmills, but he does strive to push the boulder of enlightenment up the Blue Mountain of ignorance. He doesn’t give up easily, but sticks to his principles. He has attempted to get the village council to follow the U. S. Constitution. In the event the local council gets the message, then the REAL heavy lifting begins. then we can attempt to get Salem and Washington, D.C. to follow the Constitution.

In ten years of living in this community, Gary Dielman has never wandered into my line of sight. I hope I get to meet him. A person of principle intrigues me whether we agree or not. Anyone who is able and willing to annoy the religious right-wingers that John McCain called “agents of intolerance’ is certainly heroic enough for my list.

Dave Rama

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SKYWALKERS AND BRICKLAYERS

August 9, 2008 by Dave Rama.

Basketball is a fun game to play, terrific exercise, and entertaining to watch ( although there are qualifications on that last, like the six-on-six game the women used to play, and seventh grade boys intramurals). Basketball is also a good game to talk, and it comes with its own vernacular. The following is a beginner’s guide to the terms found on the playgrounds and in the gymnasiums of the country. Beginners will find this somewhat helpful, but the listings are not meant to be complete, as the lingo gets updated frequently. If your only interest in the sport is to watch young athletes cavort for your entertainment in short pants, this will be of no interest to you. If that is your motivation, enjoy. I have been known to watch beach volleyball for similar reasons.

Some of these terms are used to taunt and flaunt, and, on rare occasions, haunt an opponent. Other terms may be complimentary. For example, “the difference between champ and chump is U.” If you can determine whether this is taunting or complimentary, we are making progress. A widely used term is “dunk”. If your only use of this term involves Oreos and milk, this essay will be of little use to you.

Some portions of the country hold hoops to be a religion unto itself, and there are terms that reflect this fervent feeling. You need to understand that “prayer” and “talk to God” mean entirely different things. If I launch a prayer on the court (and I have done this), it means that I need to be in God’s good graces if I have any expectations of this unlikely shot going in the basket. Think of a flying, off-balance, dirty left-handed hook shot, and you will understand “prayer”. When these crazy attempts actually score, your prayer has been answered. A player who can “talk to God” is something entirely different from one puts up a “prayer”. This player can be considered blessed, because it means that he can jump really high; Maybe high enough to talk to the Lord face to face. For the record, no one has ever said that I could talk to God, though a fair number have suggested that it would be a good idea. I suffer from that debilitating condition known as “white man’s disease”, which is the inability to jump high. I share a first name with David Thompson, but no one has ever mistaken me for the original “skywalker”, who had a 44″ vertical jump from a standing start.

The art of rebounding adds a number of terms to our lexicon. If you are a “banksweeper” or a “boardman deluxe”, that means you are able to “eat some glass”, which is to say that you are a collector of “boards, yanks, pulls, and caroms”. If someone has named you “windex”, it means you do an excellent job of cleaning the glass. Backboards are now mostly made of glass, and are sometimes called the “window”.

There is a portion of the court on each end of the floor called the free throw lane, which was originally called the “key” or “keyhole” for its shape. It is now known as the three second zone, “the paint”, “the land of the giants”, and the “Valley of Death”. It is an area mostly inhabited by the larger, more physical players, and it usually suggested that the smaller players not venture into the paint.

The NBA has a group of mid-size players (6′4 to 6′8″) that usually are the dazzling athletes that amaze the crowd. A short list would include Michael Jordan, Kobe Bryant, and Julius Erving (known as Dr. J, because he could OPERATE on the court). These players administer “facials” to their opponents by dunking in their face. This is also called “posterizing” because somebody always gets a photo of these dunks, and the pictures are turned into posters for sale.

Players need not only physical but psychological strength as well, because everyone has to learn to deal with “rejection”. This is the act of getting your shot blocked, or “swatted”. A swat will immediately be followed by conversation. “How’d that taste?” “Eat it.” “Did you know that you have Wilson stamped on your forehead?”

The term “shake and bake” refers to a player who can shake loose from his defender, and “burn” him by scoring. “Wheeling and Dealing” describes a spin move, followed by a pass to an open teammate for an easy score. This was first applied to Earl “the Pearl” Monroe, whose original nickname was “Black Jesus” because he did miraculous things. Numerous players have been called “Velveeta” because their play was so smooth.

With the exception of dunks and layups all shots require arch. In math terms, the ball should follow a parabolic arc from the shooter’s hand to the basket or backboard. A flat shot without arch virtually never goes in. A shot that reaches for the sky is sometimes referred to as coming down with snow on top of the ball. That will still stand a better chance of going in than a line drive shot. Shots lifted from close range are called chippies, cherries, bunnies, rabbits, and cripples. Long shots are called treys, triples, or threes. A shooter firing from way behind the three point line will prompt the announcers to say “DEEP!” “downtown” “moon shot”, or “curve of the earth”.

Almost everyone knows the term “Swish”. This has nothing to do with how you walk. It refers to the sound of a shot that goes in without touching the rim or the backboard. That is also called “nothing but net”, or “twine!” A favorite for lots of fans is a ball that rolls around the rim several times before going in or out. That is called a “toilet-seater”.

Sometimes the terms can be confusing. Announcer Dick Vitale uses a complimentary description: “That kid can shoot the rock”!! The terms rock, pill, and apple all refer to the basketball. Confusion enters when someone refers to laying a “brick”. This is not a complimentary term, and the accompanying sound is not going to be a lovely swish, but is more likely to generate a clunk, a thud, or a clang. A player known as a bricklayer, a hod carrier, or a recent graduate of masonry school needs to do a lot of work on their shooting. The fan that wishes to follow the game and its conversation needs to understand the difference between “rock” and “brick”.

I hope this is helpful. It is not meant to be a comprehensive rendering of the slang associated with basketball, but simply a jumping off spot for those who have had their education neglected. If there is doubt, just remember, in basketball, skywalker is good and bricklayer is bad.

Dave Rama

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