October 5, 2008 by Dave Rama.

There are so many questions in my mind about forms.  Who are the people who think up the questions on forms for businesses, schools, and the IRS?   Who decides what needs to be known?  The other side of this coin is to wonder who reads this information, and why do they want to know?  there is certain basic information that everybody has , like an address or phone number that I understandneeds to be known, but there is an awful lot of unnecessary questions asked as well. 

One of the organizations that does a lot of work with forms is the public school system.  (I can’t speak about private schools, but I rather suspect that is more a case of being able to lift the bag of money onto the headmaster’s desk.)  Every year the kids come home the first week of school with a pile of forms to fill out, and they can’t even read yet. After a few years, it became clear no one was reading this material, and we would fill out the same information again the next year for the same child, like this eight year old kid had maybe picked up a few credits at MIT over the summer.  How many languages does this child speak?  That question might make sense if you lived close to Canada where French is spoken a lot.  When these forms asked for parents’ occupations, we changed jobs each year.  Once, I put down that I was a steel-driving man, and my wife entered courtesan. (Robert Fulghum wrote that he always put down prince in the occupation blank.) Why does the school need to know the grandmother’s maiden name?  Would my child be held back a year if I lied about that?  It hasn’t happened yet.  (How many grandparents are named Attila, anyway?) In the blank for parents’ languages spoken at home, I usually entered Portuguese, Korean, and Hindi, but no English.  This avoided a lot of unnecessary parent-teacher conferences.  I also never knew why the school needed character references for parents.  The Public schools has to take kids even from Jack the Ripper, right?  Still, I filled in the blank.  I always listed my sainted Grandmother Rama, and if a second reference was needed, I put down Mother Teresa.  I didnnnnn’t think anyone was going to call Calcutta, and no one ever did. 

Now, however, I find myself on the opposite side of the form.  I would like to sell my house.  The greedy have turned that into a fantasy for the moment, but it might happen at some lateer date.  At that point, I will have a form to give the lenders to fill out instead of the other way around.  The questions about characteer references will be long and very thoroughly checked.  Any lender with a history with a history of bankers in the family will be rejected out of hand.  anyone with a connections to the Republicans will never get my business.  Anyone who lists character references that lack the combined positive qualities of St. Francis of Assisi, Abraham Lincoln, and Rose Kennedy will be swiftly assigned to the trash.          Dave Rama

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August 9, 2008 by Dave Rama.

We need more heroes. Heroes have character. They have passion and principle. I’ve always had heroes. They range from Chip Hilton to Dirty Harry, to the 1980 Olympic hockey team, to the crew of the Challenger, to Martin Luther King, Jr., to Hank Aaron, to Sister Teresa to Pat Tillman to Jessica Ellis. In my view, there is no one more heroic than Jackie Robinson, with the possible exceptions of Mr. Truman and Mr. Lincoln. They are all folks who were willing to take a stand on issues of importance. If you read
“THE CHARGE OF THE LIGHT BRIGADE”, you will get the ideal of heroism. Heroism is the act of putting principle or the welfare of others above your own well-being.

There are anthems for heroes. My personal favorite is “the Impossible Dream” from Man of La Mancha. The martial music and stirring lyrics like “to fight the unbeatable foe”, or, “to be willing to march into Hell for a Heavenly cause”, combine to give us a picture of a heroic character.

In the sometimes-friendly confines of Baker City, there resides a somewhat Quixotic fellow. I am not aware of him tilting at windmills, but he does strive to push the boulder of enlightenment up the Blue Mountain of ignorance. He doesn’t give up easily, but sticks to his principles. He has attempted to get the village council to follow the U. S. Constitution. In the event the local council gets the message, then the REAL heavy lifting begins. then we can attempt to get Salem and Washington, D.C. to follow the Constitution.

In ten years of living in this community, Gary Dielman has never wandered into my line of sight. I hope I get to meet him. A person of principle intrigues me whether we agree or not. Anyone who is able and willing to annoy the religious right-wingers that John McCain called “agents of intolerance’ is certainly heroic enough for my list.

Dave Rama

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August 9, 2008 by Dave Rama.

Basketball is a fun game to play, terrific exercise, and entertaining to watch ( although there are qualifications on that last, like the six-on-six game the women used to play, and seventh grade boys intramurals). Basketball is also a good game to talk, and it comes with its own vernacular. The following is a beginner’s guide to the terms found on the playgrounds and in the gymnasiums of the country. Beginners will find this somewhat helpful, but the listings are not meant to be complete, as the lingo gets updated frequently. If your only interest in the sport is to watch young athletes cavort for your entertainment in short pants, this will be of no interest to you. If that is your motivation, enjoy. I have been known to watch beach volleyball for similar reasons.

Some of these terms are used to taunt and flaunt, and, on rare occasions, haunt an opponent. Other terms may be complimentary. For example, “the difference between champ and chump is U.” If you can determine whether this is taunting or complimentary, we are making progress. A widely used term is “dunk”. If your only use of this term involves Oreos and milk, this essay will be of little use to you.

Some portions of the country hold hoops to be a religion unto itself, and there are terms that reflect this fervent feeling. You need to understand that “prayer” and “talk to God” mean entirely different things. If I launch a prayer on the court (and I have done this), it means that I need to be in God’s good graces if I have any expectations of this unlikely shot going in the basket. Think of a flying, off-balance, dirty left-handed hook shot, and you will understand “prayer”. When these crazy attempts actually score, your prayer has been answered. A player who can “talk to God” is something entirely different from one puts up a “prayer”. This player can be considered blessed, because it means that he can jump really high; Maybe high enough to talk to the Lord face to face. For the record, no one has ever said that I could talk to God, though a fair number have suggested that it would be a good idea. I suffer from that debilitating condition known as “white man’s disease”, which is the inability to jump high. I share a first name with David Thompson, but no one has ever mistaken me for the original “skywalker”, who had a 44″ vertical jump from a standing start.

The art of rebounding adds a number of terms to our lexicon. If you are a “banksweeper” or a “boardman deluxe”, that means you are able to “eat some glass”, which is to say that you are a collector of “boards, yanks, pulls, and caroms”. If someone has named you “windex”, it means you do an excellent job of cleaning the glass. Backboards are now mostly made of glass, and are sometimes called the “window”.

There is a portion of the court on each end of the floor called the free throw lane, which was originally called the “key” or “keyhole” for its shape. It is now known as the three second zone, “the paint”, “the land of the giants”, and the “Valley of Death”. It is an area mostly inhabited by the larger, more physical players, and it usually suggested that the smaller players not venture into the paint.

The NBA has a group of mid-size players (6′4 to 6′8″) that usually are the dazzling athletes that amaze the crowd. A short list would include Michael Jordan, Kobe Bryant, and Julius Erving (known as Dr. J, because he could OPERATE on the court). These players administer “facials” to their opponents by dunking in their face. This is also called “posterizing” because somebody always gets a photo of these dunks, and the pictures are turned into posters for sale.

Players need not only physical but psychological strength as well, because everyone has to learn to deal with “rejection”. This is the act of getting your shot blocked, or “swatted”. A swat will immediately be followed by conversation. “How’d that taste?” “Eat it.” “Did you know that you have Wilson stamped on your forehead?”

The term “shake and bake” refers to a player who can shake loose from his defender, and “burn” him by scoring. “Wheeling and Dealing” describes a spin move, followed by a pass to an open teammate for an easy score. This was first applied to Earl “the Pearl” Monroe, whose original nickname was “Black Jesus” because he did miraculous things. Numerous players have been called “Velveeta” because their play was so smooth.

With the exception of dunks and layups all shots require arch. In math terms, the ball should follow a parabolic arc from the shooter’s hand to the basket or backboard. A flat shot without arch virtually never goes in. A shot that reaches for the sky is sometimes referred to as coming down with snow on top of the ball. That will still stand a better chance of going in than a line drive shot. Shots lifted from close range are called chippies, cherries, bunnies, rabbits, and cripples. Long shots are called treys, triples, or threes. A shooter firing from way behind the three point line will prompt the announcers to say “DEEP!” “downtown” “moon shot”, or “curve of the earth”.

Almost everyone knows the term “Swish”. This has nothing to do with how you walk. It refers to the sound of a shot that goes in without touching the rim or the backboard. That is also called “nothing but net”, or “twine!” A favorite for lots of fans is a ball that rolls around the rim several times before going in or out. That is called a “toilet-seater”.

Sometimes the terms can be confusing. Announcer Dick Vitale uses a complimentary description: “That kid can shoot the rock”!! The terms rock, pill, and apple all refer to the basketball. Confusion enters when someone refers to laying a “brick”. This is not a complimentary term, and the accompanying sound is not going to be a lovely swish, but is more likely to generate a clunk, a thud, or a clang. A player known as a bricklayer, a hod carrier, or a recent graduate of masonry school needs to do a lot of work on their shooting. The fan that wishes to follow the game and its conversation needs to understand the difference between “rock” and “brick”.

I hope this is helpful. It is not meant to be a comprehensive rendering of the slang associated with basketball, but simply a jumping off spot for those who have had their education neglected. If there is doubt, just remember, in basketball, skywalker is good and bricklayer is bad.

Dave Rama

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June 28, 2008 by Dave Rama.

In the course of time,customs and social behaviors change. That can be a good thing, or if you are an Olde Phoole, maybe less good in your estimation. It has been a very long time since I was introduced to anyone. Those of us in the O.P. category were taught that it was only good manners to introduce people to one another. “Miss Mary Jones, I would like to introduce my friend Mr. John Smith.” There is nothing too complicated about that. Still, in the present time, I almost always have to introduce myself to anyone new, and I always use my first and last names when doing so. This meets with a judgemental look right away. the response is always a first name only. John, Fred, Axman, whatever it may be. Last names are only for the IRS, and in rare cases, an employer. I know that more than one name used in public is not cool, though I have no idea why. Is it just cusssedness? Is it laziness? (This possibility gets a lot of votes in the O.P. group) The other guess from my uncool group is the person can’t remember their own last name, and certainly can’t be bothered to learn two names for you.

I have taken an aggressive stance on this matter. Now when someone tells me they are Arnold or Gandy or Fruitblossom, I say to them, “Oh, you are one of those people with one name, like Elvis or Madonna or Noah.” Or I ask if they have a last name. I have inquired if they are in the witness protection program, or if they are employed by the CIA. They will ALWAYS (eventually), mumble their surname like it was a dirty word. Then, of course, my deafness requires them to repeat it louder. Nobody argues with hearing aids. They may not remember my name when they move on to meet Gwen, or Susie, or Albertina, but they will know I was not cool enough to use one name only. My incorrectness in matters of cool is truly a gift from God.

I find this one name folderol to be an exercise in rudeness. It is not the lack of protocol of a formal introduction that makes it rude by my standards, but rather the fact that this individual finds you unworthy of their attention for more than ten seconds. Is our collective attention span that short? You are missing the human element here, folks. Someone suggests that we stop and smell the roses. If you can’t give more than a cursory greeting to new acquaintances, you may be missing out not on roses, but Rosalee.

My next tutorial on manners is how to execute a proper handshake. That dead fish business makes me vomit. Take a grip on that extended hand. It won’t hurt, and it will inform your new friend that you are present in this world, and not the next one.

If you are not acquainted with me do not throw me a hug like we were bosom friends. There are folks out and about that administer hugs like they were trying to sack the opposing quarterback. I find that to be way past friendly and into the neighborhood of desperation. Hugs are for the deserving and the needy and I am rarely either of those things.

So, now that I have gotten a load off my chest about these topics, what impact will this dissertation have, do you think? I would say approximately nothing. One of the best things about sharing these thoughts is that I feel a lot better. You are welcome to feel better or worse or unchanged as the case may be. If you do in fact, feel better, welcome to the O.P. group. We meet regularly on an unplanned basis. You can sometimes tell who we are by the gray hair, or in some cases, very little hair of any color. Feel free to introduce yourself (using two names, of course), and get a free handshake.

Dave Rama

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June 18, 2008 by Dave Rama.

I own a very trivial mind, and the mortgage is paid on it. The college loans are paid, and my little brain is overloaded with what may politely be called worthless information. Storing this pile of fact is the easy part. The difficult part is figuring out how to work it into the conversation.

It will become plain as we move along that there is no truth to the idea that age brings wisdom; it only brings more trivia. In the course of three score and more years, I have read thousands of novels, tens of thousands of magazine and newspaper articles, and countless captions under photographs. All of this stuff adds together, and it becomes a burden. My newest idea is to share a bunch of this burden with you, and thereby lighten my own load. What you do with this data is up to you, and you do have my thanks for your willingness to help.

I am a second-degree college person, and we all know that two degrees is very cold. That is pretty small potatoes next to a thirty-second degree mason. (Thirty-two degrees is cool.) I have no idea what the nth degree is, but it sounds big. I wonder how a person measures college degrees, Masonic degrees, and letter degrees. Are they calculated on the Celsius or Fahrenheit scale? Are the National Weather Service workers who record this data employed full time, or are they merely temps? Is there a big difference to be found in any of this, or is it simply a matter of degree?

If you were to show me a modern map, I can find China on it right away. If you show me an outdated map, I will be able to find Indochina right away. I know how to play Chinese checkers. I can tell you right now that Red China goes very well with a yellow tablecloth. When a Chinese fellow is described as “one in a million,” it means there are 1000 more just like him. When you tell me that I don’t stand a “Chinaman’s chance”, I will understand the implications of that.

To take an entirely different set of facts, it is a matter of record that George Armstrong Custer graduated dead last in his class at West Point. (To go off on a political tangent, we have living proof every day that not every graduate of Yale is a whiz, either.) To give Custer credit, he did graduate. He met the requirements of a college that has quite a stringent course of study. Every year, that academy on the Hudson turns out a freshly minted class of Second Lieutenants, and there is always a person who ranks first in their class, and there is always a person who ranks last. Virtually every American knows about the end of Custer’s career. It happened on the Little Big Horn in the grasslands of Eastern Montana, and even today, the mere mention of the name Custer will bring a resounding cheer from any assembly of Sioux or Cheyenne. Some of you may know that Custer was the youngest man in the history of the U.S. Army to achieve the rank of General, and no one else has even come close to reaching that rank at the age of TWENTY-THREE. That happened during the Civil War, and was at least partly due to attrition. Age 23 is not the world record. By the age of 23, Alexander of Macedonia had conquered his entire known world. Nevertheless, any comparison of Custer and Alexander the Great brings to mind a quote attributed to Albert Einstein. When asked for a comparison of stupidity and genius, Einstein reportedly said, “genius has limits.”

In a scintillating course, in my very recent high school endeavors, the daily topic was Chemistry. It was full of atoms, valences, neutrons, protons, ions, and in my case, at least one moron. I have retained two pieces of trivial matter from this course. One is the periodic table of elements, which is full of atomic weights and such as that. The second is NACL, which is chemical talk for salt. That may bring to mind Lot’s wife, who shall continue to be nameless, but she is still considered a salty woman. As a public service, I wish to report that the valences mentioned above should not be confused with valances, which are a type of curtains. I do think that the chemistry teacher, Mr. Reed, should also be mentioned here for his extraordinary collection of dirty stories. They were not told in class, of course. At least, Mr. Reed did not share these stories in class. Perhaps I could share one with you now. No, I guess I won’t. That would be considered common.

In arithmetic class, there was something called the Pythagorean theorem. It is an excellent rule about right triangles and their assorted hypoteneuses. It could also have been history class, as Pythagoras lived quite a while back. Perhaps I’m thinking of Archimedes, who is famous for his amazing, and very strange quote, “Eureka!” I suspect that Archie was returning from a village in Northern California. Anyway, it’s Greek to me. It is also odd, when you see the word theorem to find out that it rhymes with fear ‘em, and cheer ‘em, and spear ‘em. It looks like it should be score ‘em, or gore ‘em, or bore ‘em.

Well, I would certainly like to go on, but just getting this much unwanted and unloved information out into the open has made me feel a bit lightheaded already. I thank you for your assistance in relieving the pressure on my amoeba one-cell. I feel so much better. Next time, we will explore the limits of genius. Ciao. (That’s Italian talk.)

Dave Rama

Pee Ess: The Sioux and the Cheyenne did not much care for Custer, but they do give him credit where it is due. Even today, those folks will tell you that Custer was well dressed at Little Big Horn. They point out that he wore an Arrow shirt.

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